An answer or two

I realized I keep saying I don't know why Philip is the one I want to hold on to. So I thought about it... why DO I want to hold on to him? The answer is lots of things. Philip if you're reading this you probably want to stop. Everyone else, read at your own risk.

It's because of the way he makes me feel. Brave, beautiful, funny, smart, strong. It's the way his eyes light up when he sees me. The weight of his head on my shoulder when he's tired. It's the way his hair curls around my finger. How he keeps me warm in bed, the way he laughs when he's griefing someone in TF2. It's how tightly he squeezes my hand at the doctor, and the way we mocked the doctors in the ER.
It's the smell of his shampoo, and the smile he gives only for me. It's the way he puts up with the neighbour boys because he knows I like them. It's the way he blushes, and the way he used to timidly touch my feet. It's the way his hugs make me feel like there's nothing else in the world. It's the way he kept the nightmares at bay, and the way my head fits against his shoulder. It's the way he cuddles my teddy bear, and even the way he thrashes me at cards. It's the way he trusts me with all his little neuroses, and that face he makes when he drums.
It's holding his hand on the cold walk to his place. It's that we disagree. It's the way we bump hat brims, and how he welcomed me into his world. It's when he randomly decrees it to be my turn, and sitting next to him on the bus. It's coffee at Tim Hortons, and late night treks to 711. It's the way I feel so completely safe in his arms, and that he bought a blanket just for me. It's Monster energy drinks, and spending hours sitting in Subway.
It's Pokemon cards, and secrets, and chocolate milk. It's sailor moon, trigun and Heroes. It's talking about everything and nothing for hours on end. It's feeling like someone loves me just as I am, no lies, no secrets, no masks. It's not being afraid to be damaged. It's the way he calls me sweetie even though he hates nicknames. It's the way his name feels right on my tongue, and the way seeing him makes a bad day good.
It's that he started talking about Hockey because I liked it, and the way he put up with so many awkward situations just for me. It's the way he makes me see the world, and that I started to see myself as he said he saw me. It's funny kisses, and nuzzles, and zub zub. It's mispronouncing words, and silly accents, and soft kisses. It's the way I always loved the clothes he chose for me.
It's compromises, and finding our way together. It's laughter and staying up way too late. It's learning to change the little things I do, to make his life more pleasant. It's the feeling of joy when I surprise him with something. It's the smell of his skin. It's knowing when he's reading my eyes. It's not having to use small words, and learning new ones from him. It's stepping out of my comfort zone knowing he's there with me. It's the thank you's and please's and I love you's whispered in our ears. It's learning and growing. It's loving.
It's just the way I feel when he's around. Like everything is ok, and I can do anything I put my mind to. He makes me happy. I love him and that's why he's the one I want to hang on to....

Vagueries unvaguified. (pulling strings)

ok. So the vagueries are over. Philip and I broke up and I'm completely heartbroken. I don't know what to do with myself. At first we were still talking but that lead to an inability to let go, on both sides it seemed. So now we're not talking at all. Well he's not talking to me at all and I'll admit I called him today. it hasn't even been 2 full days yet. I'm weak. I'm horrible company. I randomly tear up, am abnormally quiet, and cannot find any joy or humour in anything.

The world has no good left in it. I know it's still there, I just can't see it. My computer runs photoshop now but I don't care. I cant see any beauty in anything. I don't feel anything. Just the hole in my chest. sounds overly dramatic I know, but it's the truth. I'm very suddenly just... dead. I don't find anything funny, I dont see any beauty in anything, nothing is good or exciting, I'm not worried, or stressed even though I should be. The weirdest part is there's no fear. Fear has been a part of my exisitence for so long I'd forgotten what it was like not to feel it. I always thought the day the fear went away would be a great day. Now there's no fear. But also no relief. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating, I put on a show of eating, but I dont really eat.

All there is left in my world right now is the hole, and "should". I should go to work to pay the bills. but I dont care if I cant pay them. I should eat, but can't be bothered. I should smile and laugh at things other people are laughing at to keep up the appearance of living my life. I'm not really living anymore, just going through the motions. Does this go away? Do I want it to? It's supposed to get easier with time, but it's only getting harder. The hole just keeps getting bigger.

I'm depressed, I know it. You all who read this can skip telling me that part. Thing is, I don't care.

Maybe he feels this way too (probably not), he said he didn't "want" to break up or stop talking to me, it's just what he feels he "should" do. I don't know what that means. Who made that a rule? But there's nothing I can do about it. He either wants me or he doesn't.

If anyone is interested in buying a pink IPod Nano, almost brand new or a Red DS with 2 games let me know. I tried to give them back but he wouldn't take them. I'm only selling them because I "should" get something for them, I do have bills to pay after all.

"should" is a stupid word. Should: meaning shall, ought, must. Stupid. Why must we do anything? Though I suppose ought to do... the "right thing". It's the right thing to keep working and pay my bills, because I'm not the only one relying on that. So I should go to work. No I must go to work, to pay my bills. So I do. But should break up with someone? what's the tangible argument for that? I don't know.

What do you do to patch up a hole in your chest and get your feelings back? How do I do that? and again do I really want to? Is this so bad? No stress, no fear, no anything. I could die tomorrow and not care. Apparently my bosses have never been so happy with my performance. I don't talk, I smile at the customers, I do my job and I leave. They seem to like that. The plus side to having no feelings I guess is that I no longer care that my job is horrible. One thing is just like any other. I wonder how long I can live like this before my soul atrophies and I'm stuck this way. How many people will even notice? How many have noticed the dark circles under my eyes and the flat tone to my voice? None have commented so far.

I've seen people like this I think. People with dead eyes, whos faces still smile and laugh. Puppets, without strings. We just do as we're told. Life sized puppet look-a-likes of who we used to be. They're never successful. They're alive, and they have jobs and they survive I suppose. But none of them is ever rich or famous. I suppose you have to care to become successful. I don't care. I know I used to care about not hurting the people around me, so I'll try and avoid that in case I ever care again.

It's just occured to me that he might read this. Though I doubt he will, given it's him spearheading the "lets pretend the other doesn't exist anymore" strategy. But he could.

I should sell my cameras. They'd probably pay a few bills. What's the point in keeping them?

Maybe I do have strings. The things I "should" do are my strings. I should smile, I should go to work, I should be social, I should "move on". Pull my strings, Tell me what else I should do?

Vagueries

Life is very complicated. Apperently even when things line up they don't line up. I guess it's all about perspective, if you take a step to the left they don't line up anymore. I guess I'm seeing things from the wrong angle.
Work Sucks.
My hockey team lost.
I'm cold.
I'm lonely.
I was finally starting to feel like I was getting my feet under myself here, and now it's all gone to hell again. I'm broke, my friends are all leaving, it'll just be me in my apartment all by myself with no friends and a crappy job all over again. It feels like one step forward two steps back. I just keep getting nowhere.
A common theme in my life is people telling me how much potential they think I have. I don't see it, and the people who do never bother to stick around long enough to point it out. It's a formulaic way to get out of my life... "Laura you have so much potential! You're amazing... I'm leaving forever. Bye." I'm always left spinning my tires.
So many of my friends have the problem that they don't know what they want. That's never my problem, I know what I want. But so often it's completely out of my control whether I get it or not. I can't be anything but me, I don't know how. I don't know how to get what I want. Hell I dont even know how to get what I need.
I'm being vague because I'm not really sure of the details right now. I'll post again when things are less flighty.