ok. So the vagueries are over. Philip and I broke up and I'm completely heartbroken. I don't know what to do with myself. At first we were still talking but that lead to an inability to let go, on both sides it seemed. So now we're not talking at all. Well he's not talking to me at all and I'll admit I called him today. it hasn't even been 2 full days yet. I'm weak. I'm horrible company. I randomly tear up, am abnormally quiet, and cannot find any joy or humour in anything.
The world has no good left in it. I know it's still there, I just can't see it. My computer runs photoshop now but I don't care. I cant see any beauty in anything. I don't feel anything. Just the hole in my chest. sounds overly dramatic I know, but it's the truth. I'm very suddenly just... dead. I don't find anything funny, I dont see any beauty in anything, nothing is good or exciting, I'm not worried, or stressed even though I should be. The weirdest part is there's no fear. Fear has been a part of my exisitence for so long I'd forgotten what it was like not to feel it. I always thought the day the fear went away would be a great day. Now there's no fear. But also no relief. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating, I put on a show of eating, but I dont really eat.
All there is left in my world right now is the hole, and "should". I should go to work to pay the bills. but I dont care if I cant pay them. I should eat, but can't be bothered. I should smile and laugh at things other people are laughing at to keep up the appearance of living my life. I'm not really living anymore, just going through the motions. Does this go away? Do I want it to? It's supposed to get easier with time, but it's only getting harder. The hole just keeps getting bigger.
I'm depressed, I know it. You all who read this can skip telling me that part. Thing is, I don't care.
Maybe he feels this way too (probably not), he said he didn't "want" to break up or stop talking to me, it's just what he feels he "should" do. I don't know what that means. Who made that a rule? But there's nothing I can do about it. He either wants me or he doesn't.
If anyone is interested in buying a pink IPod Nano, almost brand new or a Red DS with 2 games let me know. I tried to give them back but he wouldn't take them. I'm only selling them because I "should" get something for them, I do have bills to pay after all.
"should" is a stupid word. Should: meaning shall, ought, must. Stupid. Why must we do anything? Though I suppose ought to do... the "right thing". It's the right thing to keep working and pay my bills, because I'm not the only one relying on that. So I should go to work. No I must go to work, to pay my bills. So I do. But should break up with someone? what's the tangible argument for that? I don't know.
What do you do to patch up a hole in your chest and get your feelings back? How do I do that? and again do I really want to? Is this so bad? No stress, no fear, no anything. I could die tomorrow and not care. Apparently my bosses have never been so happy with my performance. I don't talk, I smile at the customers, I do my job and I leave. They seem to like that. The plus side to having no feelings I guess is that I no longer care that my job is horrible. One thing is just like any other. I wonder how long I can live like this before my soul atrophies and I'm stuck this way. How many people will even notice? How many have noticed the dark circles under my eyes and the flat tone to my voice? None have commented so far.
I've seen people like this I think. People with dead eyes, whos faces still smile and laugh. Puppets, without strings. We just do as we're told. Life sized puppet look-a-likes of who we used to be. They're never successful. They're alive, and they have jobs and they survive I suppose. But none of them is ever rich or famous. I suppose you have to care to become successful. I don't care. I know I used to care about not hurting the people around me, so I'll try and avoid that in case I ever care again.
It's just occured to me that he might read this. Though I doubt he will, given it's him spearheading the "lets pretend the other doesn't exist anymore" strategy. But he could.
I should sell my cameras. They'd probably pay a few bills. What's the point in keeping them?
Maybe I do have strings. The things I "should" do are my strings. I should smile, I should go to work, I should be social, I should "move on". Pull my strings, Tell me what else I should do?
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4 comments:
For the record, yes, I do read your blog.
I find it interesting that for someone who hates the word 'should' so much, you've taken to using it so often.
I'm sorry you don't understand. I don't think I do either. I don't know why out of all the people who've been in your life, I'm the one who you feel you needed to hang on to...
It's funny, that you would show a desire to sell the things I bought for you as tokens of affection. It hurts, but if that's what you feel you 'should' do... they're your possessions, after all.
If you want a recommendation, or for your strings to be pulled... my manipulations of your spiritual marionette would tell you to learn to be your own puppet-master... that in all the things you've seen in the world, and all the things you've experienced, you're slowly destroying a part of yourself that is stronger than you want to believe. You have the power to grow, and accomplish, and forge your own life. I just wish you believed that you did.
Don't let me ruin the rest of your life. I don't know what to say other than that. But regardless of what you think, I am not that important. Please don't give up on yourself because of me.
I'm still going through the pain of a breakup myself, but your reaction scares me far more then my over dramatic 2 week sobfest did. I highly recommend it. Don't close yourself off to emotion, get it out!
You are an amazing, outspoken, bold, original sole and I wish so much that I had your bravery. I admire you Lola, and I think you need to transfer all the love that you seem to have for someone who is unworthy of your affection to yourself. Or to me. Come here you... (I'm kidding. Sort of. I wish I could give you alcohol and a hug).
So cry. Don't eat. Lose 10 pounds or so. Drunktext, agree to meet him in person and then hit him with your purse and storm out of the restaurant, then go back in shame because you forgot your coat. But don't close yourself off to the world, don't give up and know that yes, you will be ok. Eventually.
Call me anytime. 604-831-0698.
Love Carey
Philip, it's not that I want to sell them. I don't want anything except for this hole to go away. I need money and those are among the few things I own that are worth anything. I probably wouldn't be able to actually sell them, I have the suspicion even trying would just make the hole worse.
I don't know why you're the one I want to hang on to either, you just are. I accepted that a while ago. Somethings just are. And don't tell me you're not important to me.
Carey, I'm flattered. Thanks you for your kind words.
I'm glad I got the urge to read your blog randomly. I've been concerned about you since I saw you broke up (via facebook... I hate myself now.. lol)
Anyway, I haven't been through a break up this bad before, so I really don't have wise words of experience for you, but you're my friend and I care about you and I will always be here to listen, and give you my honest thoughts. And you can always call me if you need to talk, by the way.
I know you're hurting, but don't give up on yourself. I know you don't want to hear that "plenty of other fish" crap, but too bad. There are other guys out there, and it's just part of life to love and be hurt. It's all part of learning and living. If you never have these experiences, both good and bad, you're not really living. One day you will find a man who makes you melt into a big puddle of Laura goo, and it may take some more heartbreak to get there, but it will be well worth it in the end.
Let the pain out now. Cry, yell, throw shit, whatever. Let yourself feel the emotion, and believe me, you'll deal with it better. There's no point in wallowing in misery, because you have more to offer than that. You have more to live for than that. You may be lost now, but if you let this consume you, you'll be lost forever, and I for one like you the way you are.
Oh, and if you sell your cameras, I'll kill you. Seriously. I love your photography and I think you could definitely make it a career if you have the drive for it. Not to mention how hard you worked to save the money for them in the first place, and how happy you were when you finally got that first big fancy shmancy camera.
Also, LOL at Carey's third paragraph.. I love it
I also love you. Remember that.
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