"Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things"

I'm still the same old girl I used to be...

Dictionary.com's word of the Day: Vociferous meaning: Making a loud outcry; clamorous; noisy.

This word applies to my personality. I am loud. I have been told for years that I am too loud, I've even been told I am loud and obnoxious. It has often gotten me into trouble.

However, a term that also applies to my personality and has gotten me into much more trouble is Obsequious. Meaning as defined by dictionary.com - servilely compliant or deferential, obedient; dutiful, yielding to the desires of another; devoted.

Now some of you may say "hey now you're hardly obedient or yielding" which may be true for my friends. However to some people, in certain situations I am just that, obedient, compliant, yielding and overly eager to please. Which translates roughly into... has trouble setting boundaries and saying no. I often take on too much, try to be too much to too many people. I hurt myself physically and emotionally in order to fulfill other peoples wants and needs. I put other people ahead of myself. Some of the people I do this for deserve it, they are friends or family and I love them. These are the people who dont ask too much of me, they dont take advantage of this aspect of my personality. However, some of the people I do this for dont deserve it. I make excuses, for myself, for them, for the behaviour that leads to situations I dont want to be in and cant seem to extract myself from. I've been making and living with these excuses for too long. It has to stop.

I had a conversation the other night with Kitty. We talked about how some people haven't changed since high school. Haven't changed in four years. I've changed. Not all of the changes made were good ones. I know that. But all of them were important and necessary. I'm still changing, I am different today than yesterday. Am I better today than yesterday? I hope so but maybe it's too soon to know. I couldn't sleep last night. I lay there awake at 4am contemplating myself, my life, the people around me, the choices I've made lately. I contemplated and I wondered. I wonder what my friends think of me, how do they describe me to other people, what do they like most about me? What are my parents most proud of me for? What am I most proud of me for? I lay there at 5am thinking about the things in my life I'm unhappy with. What is the cause of them, what are the common threads? How do I fix them? Not by laying in bed at 5am thinking about them, though that's a start. Not by running away from them, not by burying them underneath trivial changes and actions. I made a list this morning at 6am, of all the things I want to change about me and my life. I put next to them the ideas I had about changing them. Can I do it now? or do I have to wait for something? Finally at 7am I slept for a bit. I dreamed about laying awake. I dreamed about running away, I dreamed of being someone entirely new. I woke up at 11am and made myself stop thinking. I cleaned, went for a walk, wrote a bit of smut, cleaned some more. I put the list aside, it's tucked away in a drawer where I can't see it. The number one thing on it, at the very top. I don't have enough fun anymore. I used to be able to have fun doing anything at all. These days it seems so much harder.

I'm planning a trip to Vancouver. It's totally frivolous and I can't really afford it but I'm going anyway. I'm going to visit with Kitty, Catch up with Carey and see Matt. I'm going to lose myself in the joy of doing nothing practical, I'm going to be okay with making a fool of myself again. I'm going to go into stores where I know I can't buy anything, I'm going to mock the things in the stores. I'm going to revel in the beauty around me, love my friends and enjoy my time off. When I come back I'm going to sit down with my list and start fixing them, crossing them off as I go.

Wish me luck.

Mood: Contemplative and Melancholy
Music: My Soft playlist including the Eagles, Hedley, Snow Patrol, Paul Simon
Post Title Taken From: Lyin Eyes- The Eagles
I am Thankful For: Coffee tonight with Phillip, he's possibly more neurotic than I am.
If I die Tomorrow: I love you all, even those of you I never told in person.
Quote of the Day: "I wanted to thank you, I dropped your name to my girlfriend and suddenly she wanted to have way more sex...so thanks for the boost! You should be flattered." - Phillip