"The Holy or the Broken Hallelujah"

Wow,
Ok so I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but here it is.

Surgery. For those of you who don't know already, my surgery went fine. My recovery was almost perfect. I was home from the hospital a few hours after surgery (yay for laproscopy!), home from my parents place only 3 days after that. I was sore, and one of my incision sites got infected but a round of antibiotics has me all well. Now I just have three tiny little scars with stitch marks, and a slightly larger uglier one just under my belly button.
Turns out I do still have a stone in the common duct, so we're waiting hoping it passes on it's own, keeping a close eye on blood tests and stuff. But my eating has gone back to almost normal (thank god).

Boys. Shortly before my surgery I started dating a friend of mine, Philip. He's incredibly sweet and things are going well for the most part.

Work. I still haven't started that job yet, tomorrow we have a staff meeting. I'm looking forward to getting back to work. I've been busy with christmas baking, the boyfriend, family and such, but it'll be nice to feel actually productive.

Family. Speaking of family... my gramma got a second tumor looked at, on her kidney. Turns out it's a completely different kind of cancer than the one they found in her breast. Which is good and bad. But it means another surgery before she can begin radiation and chemo. I'm hoping they make it to my dads for xmas this year, I haven't seen them at christmas in YEARS.

Random News.
In my world things often take on more significance than they probably should. We had a power outage a few days ago. In my mind this power outage has become a symbol of much of what is wrong with my life. The power went out, on my whole circuit, several blocks. Now Hillary and I are girls and therefore have lots of candles. We set them up and were basking in the warm glow of girlish triumph, then we stepped out onto the balcony to have a look at the outage damage. Our neighbors, two guys (Kevin and Dustin) were also on their balcony, they asked if we had extra candles, which we did and thus we met our neighbors. Turns out they're really cool, one is an artist and plays guitar, the other is studying psych, enjoys deep philosophical conversations and plays bass. They also have rockband AND a wii. Anyway, all four of us lamented that we'd lived beside each other for months and never met. Here is where the significance jumps in.

Our world, and my world in particular is so isolating. I am not confident enough to just go next door and introduce myself. I have no way to reach out to the strangers around me. It took a power outage and a gesture on their part to bring them into my world. Seriously this is a cultural endemic. no one has social skills anymore, we spend our time plugged into IPods so we dont have to talk to anyone, we spend our time on the faceless internet playing useless games instead of going places where we might meet people. We go out of our way to ignore the people standing next to us on the bus, we dont talk to the people in our classes, and any interaction we DO have is so superficial as to be laughable as a form of interaction. No man is an island. These days I'm not sure that's still true.

I have been spending my free time either with my boy or trip planning. That's right! I've found an online trip planner and have begun planning a trip to Europe. I figure I'll go back to Sullivan Bay, and then with that money get myself to England, Ireland and Scotland. I'll go alone if I have to. Maybe I even kind of want to go alone. I mentioned before that I don't have social skills or confidence. Maybe I want to do this to prove to myself that I can. That I am capable of taking care of myself, entertaining myself, growing and moving by myself. I want to see things, tell stories, take photos, meet new people and prove to myself I can do things, even new big, and scary things all on my own. Maybe it's not that I want to go alone, so much as I think I NEED to go alone. Fall. October '09 is my Europe time. Off season, bring on the rain!

It's coming up on Christmas. I'm having trouble finding my enthusiasm, my christmas spirit this year. I feel like cindy lou who from The Grinch. The one with Jim Carrey, I find myself humming "Where are you Christmas?" I kind of just want this season to be over. I want a new year. I want a new start and this year January is going to be it for me. I will make 2009 a better year than 2008 was. I will accept that there will be bad things I cant change, and mistakes will be made. But I will not let them ruin my year, I will not let them hold me back, I will not let them affect me as they did this year.


I am determined, I am lost. I am loved, mocked, despised, and missed. I am special, just like everyone else. I am both excited and terrified by the future. I am empty and full to bursting. I am a good girlfriend. I am a good daughter. I am restless, and demanding. I am jealous, protective and a little bit clingy. I am creative, wishy-washy, empathetic and sensitive. I am lazy at times, and I am shy. I am boisterous, ridiculous, sexy (due to my "mysterious sexual allure"- Philip) , infuriating, flattered, and forgetful. I am a dreamer, an artist, a girly-girl and a tom-boy. I am a planner, a plotter, spontaneous and messy. I am overly dramatic, easily hurt, and think too much. I am learning as I go.

I am overtired.

This post is long enough and now I'm simply rambling. Bed calls.
Night all.

P.S. I feel the need to give a shout out to my mysterious blog follower. Scriptgirl. Thank you for your comment. I had no idea random people on the interweb would find anything of interest in my rambles. Thank you for your concern, I assure you I'm fine now. I hope you can continue to find wisdom and entertainment in my random jaunts through my world and the babble that comes out of my mind when I let my guard down.
Cheers!

Mood: Sleepy
Music: Jack Johnson- In Between Dreams
I am Thankful For: The people in my life who remind me what's important. I love you.
If I Die Tomorrow: There's cookies in the freezer!
Quote of the Day: "These candles are scented! Awesome, now our place won't smell so bad!" - Kevin, after receiving candles form us while the power was out.
Post Title taken From: "Hallelujah"- Leonard Cohen